While living in a village may have its downfalls (see: no grocery store, no post office, no tar road, and possibly more cows, goats, and sheep than people, etc), for me, for now, it is just what I need. I have been able to think, really think. I mean it is obvious that I was required to think a lot as a student at DePauw, if I didn’t I don’t think i would have graduated. But those thoughts are not like these. When I was there, even when I was writing or if I was enthralled by something I was reading, I always had a thousand and one other things going on in my head. I was never able to sit and wallow in my thoughts because there was always something else I should have probably been doing. But now, I’m here in this village with next to nothing. I mean, I am taken care of as far as food and clothes and pictures and things that make me happy are concerned, but on any given day I can’t sit and watch 8 hours of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” (which I admit, I did do when I was stateside…don’t judge) or get on the internet and switch webpages change every five seconds. I can’t get in my car and drive to T-Bell for a Cheezy Gordita Crunch or go to Target to buy another pair of sunglasses I don’t need. None of that. So while that might sound like hell to some people, I love it. I love that I’m really not responsible for much else other than myself. I mean school and the school library are keeping me really busy and once I start teaching in January, I’ll have enough to do also. But for the most part, I can think about one thought for hours, for days if I want, really reflect on it, and come to a conclusion. I’ve been able to learn about myself because I’ve had the time to. On several occasions, I think, that as busy students or working adults, this primordial concept is forgotten. We study and drive and buy and work and sleep as this person with some title, some descriptor of who we are: teacher, accountant, coach, boss. And for a while that is all we know because for forty plus hours a week, it is who we are. So, we start to believe that that’s it. We think about papers, projects, and deadlines so much that it is too exhausting to think about anything else even when we have the time to. So, at some point, the who we are gets replaced with the who people think we are. I don’t know, it is like all I’ve got here in Erwee is the bare bones without any other distractions and so now, I have the rare life opportunity to be able to sit, think, and write about stuff like that.
During all this thinking, I’ve come to some pretty fulfilling conclusions and a couple of pretty extensive lists whose titles include, but are not limited to: “bucket list,” “future (near&far),” “places i want to live when i grow up,” “criteria for future jobs,” “if i could do anything, i would…,” and “what i need to be happy.” That last one is probably the most important for me at the moment. Because I’m happy. I mean really happy…blindly happy. For me, here, my bad days are great and my great days are perfect. And I’m proud of myself for it. For the most part, I made this decision completely on my own. I mean I considered the opinions of my family and friends and I wouldn’t be here without all of their help and support, so I’m not trying to sound selfish when I say that. But, I researched the Peace Corps. I talked to Katie Gobel (the beautiful and talented woman who was a year ahead of me at DePauw. She applied to the Peace Corps and joined as soon as she graduated also. She is currently serving in Vanuatu. The summer before I began my senior year and before she left, I met up with her at the Water Tower food court in downtown Chicago and talked to her for about four hours over soup and stir fry. She inspired me to finish my application, to really join, to actually do it. I’m forever indebted to her because here i am…). I applied, interviewed, waited, and went. Now, I’m here living out this decision that I made for myself and it is right. It is so right. Essentially, I’m so happy because I’m thinking, yeah, I know myself. I actually trust who I think I am. I’m twenty-two and I know what it feels like to be insanely happy with a life decision. So, for the rest of my life when I meet my Prince Charming, when I move to Seattle (example from my “places i want to live when i grow up” list), when I choose a MFA program or take a job at a publishing company (selections from my “future (near&far)” list), I know if my decision was right or not based on how I feel right now. And that rules…it’s amazing. I cannot really describe it. The only thing I can do is hope that the people that I love get the chance to feel this way at some point…and, of course, let me know when they do.
